“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” — Khalil Gibran
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” —Helen Keller
“Suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey. Walk your path and remember that no evil can resist grace forever.” —Brennan Manning
I used these three quotes to begin the chapter on the subject of suffering in my latest book. After completing it, I then came upon a term from one of my favorite authors—Richard Rohr, which both affirmed and expanded my thoughts about suffering. The term is “necessary suffering,” and nothing describes the significance of our human universal experience of suffering better than this term in my opinion.
We do not have to look far or hard to find such human suffering. It rests there in the eyes of our friends. It is there in the slumped shoulders or distracted stare or our coworker. We think about it during our sleepless nights. We talk to it when we believe we are all alone and no one is there to hear. We walk with it in our isolated evening walks or on our treadmills in our early morning workouts. We all worry. We all fear. We all struggle. Everyone suffers.
Suffering’s factual thread and personal impact on any of us is retold in our fairy tales, our novels, our movies, and our plays. It runs throughout our narratives when we recount our life stories to our children and loved ones. It is there in our planning as we try to move forward, and it calls to us in our regret as we are drawn backward to everything we wish we could have done differently in life. Suffering is there whether we are affluent or poor, young, or aged, kind or not. Even the gods or prophets of our major religions have experienced it.
The significance of our suffering in relation to life change or personal growth is not that it occurs. As we well know, it occurs all the time, and it touches us all. The significance in terms of any self- change that may happen is how we respond when it comes upon us, takes hold, and wants us to pay our debt.
Suffering for most of us is our unwanted guest. We may let suffering stay at our house for a while because we do not know how to make it leave, but we also do not really want it around. We think we have no choice, and we resent having to accommodate it. We may give it some attention because we cannot avoid doing that, but we try to turn away from it whenever we can.
Our strategies in doing this range anywhere from a)denial of its presence, b)anger that it is there, c)complaining when it will not leave, and d)self- victimization at how unfair or inconvenient the whole visitation is. Often, these strategies do not work. Our suffering lingers. It does not diminish.
Whatever we think we have done to address it, it does not leave and only asks us to do more. We really do want to take some action or to get over it, but we simply do not know what to do with our personal suffering. We tend to see it as a strong and intimidating foe, as if we may not believe we have the courage to face or resist it. But the fact is, suffering for each of us is necessary if we are ever going to change and grow.
When we fully embrace our suffering with the assurance that someday it will evolve into something other than the pain we feel in the moment, there is a searing of our soul and a changing of our life perception. When we do not do this and try turn away from it instead, we then reinforce a desperation in our soul and a perception of fear that limits us. This change in life perception based on growth or fear is the significance of suffering for each of us.
In no way am I saying that we are supposed to enjoy our suffering and pain, but when it comes upon us by whatever means—through our betrayal, our loss, our choice, or its randomness—how we respond to suffering is significant. Our response can determine whether it is our opportunity or our limitation, whether it is a pathway to a greater growth or a chronic withering.