I am often asked by students after my lectures on perception and personal change questions like, “How do I know if I am on the right path?” “How can I be sure as I perceive a situation that I am thinking clearly about it at the time?”
The simple answer is we do not really know, and we can never be sure. We are always going to be uncertain of our perceptions and the pathways they lead us to. This means no one ever knows, and we walk our paths often wondering if we are lost. All we can ever do is make our best effort to be aware of what we are doing and to do what seems effective at the time. I have always called it “following my gut,” and when I try to do that and do my best to not act impulsively, it has most often led me forward.
A more extended and perhaps satisfactory answer, though, is that faced with our uncertainty, there are still some qualities and characteristics that I believe define the paths which can lead us forward. They are usually the ones which 1) provide us hope, 2)ask us to be patient, 3)require of us courage and persistence, 4)demand our most flexibility, and 5)challenge us to remain positive.
These are qualities which without introspection and left unchallenged we would all probably say we have. And, we probably do have them to some extent while we aspire to have them more often.
But, when we have worked on ourselves day after day, when we have done all we think we can and then have to do still more, when a promised land still seems no closer, these are qualities most of us readily discard. Facing yet another step and even more steps after that just to maybe see ourselves a bit further down the path, sometimes it is just too hard to keep our hope.
Our patience withers. We lose courage. We feel the resistance, the self-doubt growing within and become negative. Soon, thereafter, we find we have left the path we were on and are searching for another, one that requires less effort of us and does not seem so demanding. This is then why emotional growth, all personal change, any pursuit of a promised land in life is difficult and unpredictable. We are determined at first but shrink later down the road as the stones at our feet keep cutting us.
Our perceptions of both ourselves and where we are headed begin to change as we lose trust in what we thought we knew. Sometimes we are correct in changing our course. Often, we are only turning away and going elsewhere because our persistence and courage have failed us.
Even more confusing is the fact that sometimes we have accomplished personal growth and do not notice. We have actually made some changes but lack an awareness we have done so. We might even be closer to a personal promised land than we have ever been. We do not see any of this, though, because we are tired, we are hungry, and we hurt inside. We want to be free of the hurt and emotional hunger. We then look for some shortcut, any other trail that will get us to where we want to go without the effort and weariness we feel.
When and if we take a new way, we probably will lose our bearings once again and find ourselves back at the trailhead pondering which way to go as we face the same challenges and choices we always have. When and if we do not take a new way and instead stay on our path, we probably will face months, perhaps years, of relentless uncertainty and daily hard work with ourselves.
The choice then is not between easy and hard. It is not between certainty and uncertainty. Every path is difficult and feels hard. Each path is unclear and increases our doubt. The choice is only a) do we keep going? or b) do we go another way? Sometimes a therapist can help. Other times, our spirituality will help us gain traction. Always a support system to help us keep going as we strive to do so is a strength.
Whatever we do or however we choose, our personal journey is not always going to be clear, it is never going to be easy. It is, though, our journey to keep making until we get to where we want to go.